After three decades of family law litigation experience, two divorces of my own, and one major career shift to mediation, I’ve decided to pull back the curtains and explain why I’m known to scream from the mountain tops “Mediate, Don’t Litigate,” especially when it comes to kids. There is a proper place for litigation done right. But in the majority of cases involving families the courtroom inevitably turned out to be the wrong place for them to solve their problems.  

Here are the Top 10 Secrets that most family law litigators won’t tell you. If they did, fewer people would go to court, and more people would be choosing the better way: mediation.

Secret 1: Litigation Thrives on Escalation – Your Family Pays the Price

Conflict is profitable for lawyers, not families. Litigators can stoke unnecessary battles to keep the process alive.

Case Illustration

In one case, I represented a mother in a contentious custody battle. Her ex-husband’s attorney continuously filed motions over trivial issues, like the pick-up time for hockey practice. Each motion meant more time in court, higher bills, and more tension for the family. After months of this, both parents finally agreed to mediation. The family was fortunate that it had the resources to bring in the very best, and the lawyers involved were known to be “mediation-friendly” litigators, who got it. Within a few sessions, we collaboratively created a parenting plan focused on their child’s needs, not their grievances. The cost dropped, and so did the emotional toll. That experience solidified my belief that mediation, not escalation, serves families best.

Secret 2: Emotions Are the Currency of Conflict

Litigators are incentivized to leverage heightened emotions—anger, hurt, fear—as fuel for prolonging cases, while mediators diffuse emotions to focus on solutions.

Case Illustration

I recall one case where a father felt completely blindsided by his wife’s sudden request for divorce. His anger drove months of litigation, leading to spiraling costs and zero progress. When we transitioned to mediation, I encouraged both parents to articulate their feelings in a safe, nonjudgmental space. Once the father felt truly heard, he let go of his anger and began to focus on co-parenting. It was like watching a storm break into sunlight. This shift in emotional energy moved the case toward resolution almost overnight (which is how quickly their children were able to reap the benefits of having both of their parents fully available to nurture them).

Secret 3: The “Win” Mentality Is an Illusion

In family law litigation, there is usually no “winner.” In most cases, every dollar and minute spent on fighting is a dollar and minute taken from your kids or your peace of mind.

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Early in my career, I chased courtroom victories as if they were championships. But over time, I saw the human cost behind many “wins.” A father might gain more parenting time but lose the cooperative spirit he needed to raise his child with his co-parent. Or a mother might secure child support but spend years resenting how much was lost in legal fees. My transition to mediation came from realizing that true success isn’t about winning—it’s about creating solutions that let families move forward with dignity and respect.

Secret 4: Children Are the Silent Witnesses

Kids pick up more than parents realize. What’s unspoken—tension, resentment, or lack of cooperation—hurts more than words.

Case Illustration

I worked with a family whose teenage son refused to visit one parent based on unpaid child support. Litigation wasn’t resolving the issue, and only further exacerbated the tension and animosity between the parents. In mediation, we uncovered that the parent was not paying child support because they did not feel involved in the child’s life. The child, in turn, felt neglected by the parent and caught in the middle of a financial battle that harmed his ability to not only participate in sports and other enrichment opportunities, but more importantly, to feel loved by both parents. His self-esteem had also been deeply hurt by each parent’s subtle put-downs of the other. From his perspective, these criticisms cut even deeper because children often see themselves as part of both parents. When one parent denigrates the other, the child may feel as though they, too, are being personally attacked, especially when they recognize aspects of the criticized parent within themselves. Through mediation, both parents were able to resolve the financial dispute and to engage more fully with their child, thus bolstering his self-esteem, happiness, and sense of security. 

Secret 5: Experts Should Be Chosen Together

Jointly selected, neutral experts provide insights that move families forward. Hired guns muddy the waters.

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In one case, two opposing real estate appraisers provided wildly different valuations for a marital home. This stalled negotiations for months. When the parties finally agreed to hire a neutral appraiser together, they had a realistic number in hand within a week. The mediation process benefited immensely from removing the “battle of the experts” and focusing instead on actionable solutions. It even allowed for the parties to incorporate into their final agreement the name of an agreed-upon listing real estate agent to sell the property in the future.

Secret 6: Apologies Aren’t Weakness – They’re Breakthroughs

Owning mistakes or hurtful actions is often the key to unlocking gridlock. Yet, litigators rarely encourage this path out of a concern that an apology will be used against their client at trial.

Case Illustration

I’ll never forget a case where a mother apologized for relocating without telling the father. Her apology—offered spontaneously during mediation—brought the father to tears. He admitted he had been holding onto resentment that clouded his ability to compromise. That single moment of vulnerability transformed their negotiations. In my experience, apologies are often the most powerful and underutilized tools for resolution. It also builds trust.

Secret 7: Courtroom Drama Is Scripted – And You’re the Pawn

Much of what happens in court is posturing. Mediators cut through the show to get to the heart of the issue.

Case Illustration

I once attended a trial where the attorneys put on a show worthy of an Emmy. Cross-examinations were dramatic, and the tension in the room was palpable. But at the end of the day, after the parties paid hefty legal fees for their lawyers’ travel and waiting time (and the time it took for their lawyers to “go on record”), the judge wasn’t persuaded by the lawyers’ posturing. The judge’s decision was purely based on legal formulas and statutory guidelines, not theatrics. In contrast, mediation strips away the performance and the cost to you of going to court.. It’s not about “winning the room”; it’s about solving the problem. 

Secret 8: Agreements Built on Mutual Understanding Last Longer

Mediation agreements, created collaboratively, are more durable than court-ordered mandates.

Case Illustration

One couple I worked with spent weeks collaboratively drafting a parenting plan that included flexibility for holidays and special events. Because they had built it together, they were both invested in making it work. Years later, they told me they’d stuck to the plan with only minor adjustments. In contrast, court-ordered arrangements by a stranger often feel imposed, leading to resentment and noncompliance. That leads to enforcement proceedings in court. That leads to modification proceedings to seek court-ordered change. And the vicious cycle of litigation continues.

Secret 9: Listening Is the Most Undervalued Superpower

Most conflict stems from not feeling heard. Mediation thrives on creating space for both parties to speak and be understood.

Case Illustration

In one probate dispute, siblings were fighting over access to a summer home that they inherited from their grandparents who wanted the property to stay in the family and be enjoyed for generations to come. Litigation got them nowhere. It was not the place for them to be properly heard. When brought to mediation, all interested beneficiaries were able to hash out their beef without the pressure of court looming over their heads, allowing them to preserve their ongoing, entangled relationship and effectively negotiate a fair property sharing agreement. In our Two-Coach Approach™, Ashleigh and I prioritize active listening. We encourage clients to restate what they’ve heard from the other person, which often reveals misunderstandings and opens pathways to resolution. By fostering a space where clients feel safe enough to share and listen, we’ve seen seemingly intractable conflicts dissolve into cooperative problem-solving.

Secret 10: In Co-Parenting Cases, Your North Star Is the Child’s Best Interest

When it comes to co-parenting, every decision—big or small—should be filtered through what will most benefit your children, not punish the other parent.

Case Illustration

I worked with a father who sought sole custody, not out of concern for his daughter’s well-being, but to “teach his ex-wife a lesson.” However, the real lesson wasn’t about her—it was about him. When his “ex-wife”  began dating someone new, he felt his sense of identity was under attack. It was natural for him to focus on the role he believed was his last anchor of self-worth: being a father with rights to enforce.

In mediation, we gently explored this narrative and reframed his goal. Instead of asking what sole custody might accomplish for him, we asked what it would accomplish for their child. By shifting the focus to their daughter’s needs and well-being, he was able to see the value of preserving and supporting her relationship with both parents. With this new perspective, he ultimately agreed to a shared custody arrangement that prioritized her emotional and developmental health.

Conclusion

These stories are just the beginning of what decades in family law and mediation have taught me. Mediation isn’t magic, but it creates space for breakthroughs that litigation rarely offers. 

Throughout, I recognized how essential it was to address the deeper psychological dynamics at play, so I relied on an outside consultant with a mental health background to help the parents identify and address the underlying issues. That experience laid the groundwork for what I now achieve consistently with Dr. Ashleigh Louis through Quantum® ADR’s Two-Coach Approach™ to The Me in Mediation™. By combining my expertise in family law with Ashleigh’s deep knowledge of relational psychology, we provide a fully interdisciplinary process that gets to the heart of these issues while creating a supportive space for families to rebuild trust and improve communication.

The flexibility of our online platform allows us to engage with families where they are—literally and emotionally—while empowering parents to model healthier co-parenting dynamics. This process not only supports the child’s emotional well-being but also gives parents the tools to move forward without falling into old patterns of conflict.

Mediation isn’t just about resolving disputes; it’s about transforming the way people interact. Experiencing this reinforced a key principle of mediation. Keeping collective interests at the center of the conversation transforms conflict into collaboration. I’ve seen firsthand how our interdisciplinary approach creates lasting change, and I’m grateful to offer it as part of the work we do at Quantum ADR.

If you’re ready to move from conflict to collaboration, bring us your beef–we’ll hash it out together. Mediate, Don’t Litigate, and Thrive in ‘25 (and beyond)!